How to calm down when a loved one dies. Death of a loved one
Melancholy settles in her, she withers and is sad. It is impossible to find a remedy that will help the pain subside. Most likely, the loss of a loved one will never be forgotten, only covered by the patina of time. It is important to know how to experience the death of a loved one in the Orthodox way correctly, so that it does not become life-affirming.
Scientific approach
Many people, having lost a loved one, turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist to help them overcome this difficult time in life. And this is completely normal, because often grief becomes an obstacle that not only prevents one from continuing to live normally, but also pushes a person to take dangerous actions.
Mourning in human life
Back in the century before last, psychologist Erich Lindemann identified the symptoms of natural grief, which is normal for every person who has experienced loss. It has several symptoms that can appear one at a time or several at once:
- Physical - tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks, etc. In addition, you may feel emptiness in the stomach, chest, general weakness and breathing problems. Often a person becomes indifferent or, conversely, extremely irritable and sensitive.
- Behavioral - interrupted speech, confusion of speech and consciousness, changes in speech manner. Apathy begins, lack of appetite, self-confidence is lost, the person becomes amorphous.
- Emotional - anger at what happened is the first to appear, the person begins to look for someone to blame. Later, anger develops into depression, and then a feeling of guilt appears before the deceased.
- Fear and anxiety about your own future may also appear. If you do not consult a specialist in time, you can allow these “normal” symptoms to turn into destructive ones.
Also, there is a scientifically designated time of grief. Typically, families who have lost a member experience this time, and it is divided into several stages:
- A day or two is the first stage, which is characterized by shock and denial. Relatives at first do not believe the report of the loss, begin to look for confirmation, suspect deception, literally deny and do not believe what happened. Some people may remain in this stage forever and never accept the loss, they continue to retain things, the environment and the myth that the person is alive.
- The first week is exhausting for everyone, since funerals and wakes usually take place during this time. The family cannot yet fully comprehend what is happening and often people move and do things purely mechanically.
- Weeks two to five - family members return to their daily routine. Work, school, and usual activities begin. Now the loss is felt extremely acutely, because there is less support than at the previous stage. Melancholy and anger are acutely manifested.
- A month or two is the stage of acute grief, the end time of which is different for everyone. It usually takes from 1.5 to 3 months.
- From 3 months to 1 year - the stage of mourning, which is characterized by a feeling of helplessness and apathy.
- An anniversary is the last stage, which seems to complete the cycle of grief. It is accompanied by a wake, a trip to the cemetery, ordering a memorial service and other rituals that help remember the deceased and honor his memory.
About the afterlife:
The main problem today is the fear of death. People are afraid of dying or losing someone close to them. The ancestors of the modern Orthodox believer were brought up in atheism and do not have a correct concept of death, so many of them cannot cope with grief when it comes.
Advice from the Orthodox Church after the loss of loved ones
For example, a person can constantly sit on the grave of the deceased or even spend the night there; he preserves all things and furnishings as they were during the life of the deceased. This has a destructive effect on the individual and occurs due to the fact that the person does not understand what happened and how to live with it.
This misunderstanding is layered with superstitions and acute problems arise, often of a suicidal nature. Birth, life and death are links in one chain and this fact cannot be ignored.
Important! It is necessary to realize as early as possible that death is inevitable. And only by accepting it will a person be able to cope with the loss and not get neurosis.
It is necessary to remove all superstitions from yourself. Orthodoxy has nothing to do with hanging mirrors or leaving a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased. These superstitions are invented by people who have been to the temple a couple of times in their lives and try to turn death into a kind of performance in which every action has a sacred meaning. In fact, death has only one meaning - it is the transition from worldly life on Earth to eternity. And it is important to think in advance where a person will spend this eternity in order to reconsider his entire worldly life.
You cannot draw any conclusions and look for the cause of what happened, especially you cannot say such things to those who are grieving. It cannot be said that God took away the child because of the sins of the parents or took away the mother because the child behaved incorrectly. These words can traumatize a person and turn him away from the church forever.
If you lost your mother
Mother is an important person in everyone's life. It is important to understand that for Christians, death is a temporary separation, after which there will be a long-awaited meeting with loved ones. Therefore, when a person’s time comes, he goes to the Heavenly Father and there he will meet his loved ones.
Having lost your mother on this earth, you should remember that she did not disappear, but only moved on to another part of her journey, completing her mission here. And now she will take care of her children from heaven and intercede with God for them.
Advice! The best way to cope with this loss is to spend more time in church and in home prayers. It is necessary to order a commemoration in the liturgy, a memorial service, in order to properly honor the deceased parent, and also to distribute alms so that people will also pray for him.
How to cope with the death of a loved one?
If you lost your husband
The wife left alone experiences all the stages of grief that all mourners go through. However, it is important for her to remember that she is not left alone - her loving Lord is with her and He will help her survive all the difficulties and trials.
You should not despair; you should understand that the Lord does not give beyond your strength and will definitely help you in the trials that He sends.
If there are children left in the family, then the widow must get together and return to normal life for their sake, in order to help them overcome this loss. Usually, the family returns to normal life within one year, so the widow will have to take on the dual role of mom and dad so that their children can overcome the loss and live normally.
How to help a loved one cope with grief
It is very important for a person and the whole family to have someone who will help them overcome all stages of grief and return to normal life, accepting and surviving the loss of a loved one.
Prayers for the departed:
- Prayer to Saint Archangel Michael for deceased relatives
What does it mean to help a family through grief? This, first of all, means going through all these stages of grief with them. As the Apostle Paul said, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15).
Each stage of grief has its own symptoms, so it is important to monitor the behavior of the grieving person and prevent him from becoming obsessed or committing dangerous and emotional acts. It is important to help the family or individual find a way to cope with the loss.
In addition, it is important to monitor the person and help him move from the stage of melancholy and grief to sadness and normal life. It is important to ensure that he eats on time, sleeps enough, rests and releases his melancholy. People often forget about themselves in their grief, families begin to collapse due to the constant stress in which they keep themselves.
Important! Helpers should gently guide the grieving from destruction to creation, to God and help them come to terms with the loss.
Archpriest Dmitry Smirnov. How to cope with the death of loved ones
Today we will talk about the death of loved ones and how to survive it.
We are all mortal. Everyone around us will one day die, just like us. As they say, no one has ever come out of life alive.
However, it often happens that those whom we love go to the Other World without asking us, without saying goodbye, without taking us with them, without asking how those who loved them will remain here. Such death is unpredictable: no one knows the hour and day in which he will die, and each of us can leave at any moment.
This article will probably be subjective and written through my own experience. If you search on the Internet for the answer to the question “how to survive the death of a loved one,” you will find a ton of similar articles about the different stages of grief, about how to survive it, based on a certain template. Most are rewrites of other texts. Advice on how to get out of depression is divided into religious (like “believe, go to church”), pragmatic (“let go, go to work”) and stupid, about nothing.
Psychologists monotonously, using coaching methods, without instructing, without teaching, push the person talking to them to quickly turn the page of the past along with the crosses in the cemetery and once loved ones lying under them, and the psychologist would stick a star on his chest for completed task. And we became firmer and stronger and more cynical, finally learning to step over our own and other people’s pain.
While we are alive and full of strength, we cannot believe in death. It often seems that death is an illusion, it does not exist. And no life plans, no happiness, no self-confidence, no flight of success can be interrupted by such an absurdity as death. Death is not about us.
However, she, this death, as if with a scythe, stands over everyone and measures the time, and knows exactly, better than us, to whom and how much is measured. No matter what anyone says (and, for example, pathologists pretend that they get used to death, just like criminologists and doctors), that you can get used to death, but you cannot.
You can never accept that only (or recently, in the case of a serious illness) a healthy, young, beautiful person lived, but now he is gone, his living eyes, voice, laughter, tears are gone... This cannot become the norm - as some people reassure themselves. Death is always against nature, the opposite of life. Even according to the biblical version, death, like a curse, appeared only as a result of sin; initially people were immortal.
As Freud and his followers said, there are different types of people who perceive death differently, both their own and those of loved ones. And there are types of people who accept the death of others more easily than others; they see in death deliverance from the mortal world, from suffering, from pain, peace, and they react more or less evenly to the death of loved ones. And there are types of people who, with their suffering for the deceased, will bring themselves to a heart attack, stroke, sleep on his grave, cry for years, go crazy in the literal and figurative sense. Probably the truth is somewhere in the middle...
One of my friends had three close people die in just a couple of months. I can’t imagine how in her situation one could say that death is a relief for the departed, it’s easy to let go... A quick calm behavior would be crazy than sobbing and depression.
The death of young people and especially the death of a child for a mother is a grief that you cannot overcome and will not forget, and it is difficult to give advice on how to survive it... It is extremely unfair to bury those who did not have time to live, who were born, so that, it turns out, they simply die...
Of course, the pain of loss depends on the degree of relationship and closeness with the deceased. Thousands of people die every day in the world, and only the death of loved ones truly touches us.
In some disasters, when people die, very often psychologists try to support the relatives of the victims. According to reviews from those who have gone through such support: I wanted the psychologist to just pour some tea, sit next to me, hand me tissues for tears and….. be silent… when everyone started pestering “let’s talk about your grief, open up, don’t hoard it inside yourself, speak out, you will feel better.” easier,” I wanted to hit him in the forehead.
Of course, there are different psychologists, but it happens that they do their work like robots, otherwise burnout will occur. And so he has nothing to do with the one whom people have lost, and the relatives have everything in their eyes - they have lost the most dear thing in this world, and no one will understand them, and from this dear one there remains a pectoral cross, and just yesterday it was a person, a child . For others, it is one of a thousand dead, a grain of sand in the sea, but for those who mourn, it is a part of them, the dearest and dearest person who will never become alive, their universe has lost its meaning...
But the main thing: tell everyone about your grief a thousand times, and even if someone cries next to you, it will not bring back those whom these people loved. They leave these psychologists for a world where the closest and dearest person no longer exists and no one can heal this wound. And it’s better to let them roar for a couple of days, shout at everyone and everyone asking “why? why he, she?! where is God?? why did he allow this??” etc.
Naturally, psychologists are needed, especially in emergency situations, but in cases of severe grief they cannot always help.
There are several stages of grief, even according to generally known information and the same articles from the Internet. The first, shocking, most difficult...
However, ahead of the important essence of the article, I will say that the main healer is only time. Perhaps there are people with different experiences. But no matter what anyone says - regarding the death of loved ones - only time heals...
And then, after a while, it seems that everything was easier than it really was. And when you encounter the grief of others, you realize that it couldn’t have been easier, it just happened a long time ago.
When a loved one dies, the pain from the loss cannot be drowned out by anything, no matter what you tell anyone, no matter what you do, it will not bring back the person you loved.
There is shock from the news, then denial (that is, doubt in the news, suspicions that it is not true or some kind of ominous mistake), there is resentment and even anger at the deceased for leaving the one who loves him alone, a desire to leave after him , have a close connection with him, contact him, hear his voice, find out some unsaid points. Self-accusations, self-resentment, a feeling that one is to blame for something before the deceased, that one is to blame for his death, are possible.
It is possible to search for the causes of death (or even blame others for the death) and spend a long time thinking through sobs about how they could have been prevented.
Tears, hysterics, which do not seem to bring any relief, experiences of the most severe pain - mental, and no matter what pills you take, you cannot drown it out. There is even a desire to go back a day or two in order to change events and prevent a loved one from dying, a desire to fall asleep and for it all to be a dream, but in reality everyone is alive again.
There is a stage of devastation, when it is already clear that there was no mistake, that a loved one really died, that no amount of anger, indignation, resentment and protest will bring anyone back, it is impossible to contact the deceased, and that a person is left alone with his grief and this needs to be learned accept. Emptiness, silence, darkness sets in... Part of what helps is talking to the grave and visiting church, praying for the deceased.
For some, accepting death lasts for years, for others it lasts for a couple of weeks or months. Someone else goes to the grave almost every day for years, lights candles, remembers loved ones in church, and someone after a year no longer straightens the cross... the latter does not always mean indifference to the death of a loved one - sometimes you just want to let go in spite of everything, but Constant visits to the cemetery reopen the wound again and again.
We are told “it’s not bad for the one who left, he doesn’t care anymore, but it’s bad for those who stayed and cry for the departed,” or: “people are extremely selfish, tormenting themselves and the soul of the deceased with excessive sobs and reproaches instead of letting go "
As for the latter, they can also add phrases like “when you cry a lot for the deceased, you hold his soul on earth, or between heaven and earth, not allowing him to leave, and his soul also sheds tears because it feels that it is being held, not lets go." After all, between the deceased and those remaining on earth, if they were closely related, even after death there is a close connection, and if the living is indignant, crying for the deceased, the soul of the deceased is not calm, rushes about, wants to go back, but the body is dead, and the soul hangs in suffering.
Regarding the first phrase, that it’s not bad for the one who left, but for the one who stayed - we cannot be robots who turn off the suffering buttons for the dead once or twice, we do not have the function of deleting memory, analgesia of feelings. The most powerful pain is mental, one of the most powerful among mental pain is the pain of losing a loved one. It is impossible to take it and stop feeling it; it is not subject to will. Over time, it can be sublimated, pacified, rationalized, but not neutralized or turned off.
And about the convictions of all those who advise that the soul of the deceased feels bad from our sobs - NO ONE KNOWS FOR RELIABILITY WHAT THE SOUL OF A DEAD PERSON LIKE and what it experiences after death. Therefore, all the arguments about the groaning of the soul of the deceased due to excessive sobs of relatives were thought up by those who calm the latter.
However, despite the fact that there are religions that say that after death there is no point in praying for a person, praying for him is correct and useful, no matter what anyone says (it is just wrong to seek connections with the world of the dead through psychics), since this is the most effective help that can be help the soul of the deceased and yourself.
Unfortunately, death is a reality, every day, every second, omnipresent. Some of our acquaintances, friends, relatives have gone to the Other World, someone else will leave, no matter how much we close ourselves off from reality, but we will not prevent this. It may be wrong to say that you need to learn to accept it, but... you need to learn to accept it...
It’s better to cry a lot, as they say, you need to work through the gelstat, with tears a lot of internal heaviness goes away, go to church, pray for 40 days for your soul and (and after 40 days), go to the grave. By fencing off grief, a person accumulates pain within himself... It needs to be experienced. Don't get stuck in it, don't kill yourself, but survive. You can lose yourself in sobs, screaming, and hysteria for the first few days, but after accepting the fact of death, feelings calm down. And a person can artificially put himself into a state of hysteria, hopelessness after the death of someone he loved, he can put himself in this trap.
I’ve cried and that’s enough, tears won’t help my grief, they say. You need to be able to stop at some point... No one knows why a little person is given trials in the form of the death of loved ones, but it is worth living on with your own life.
When feelings calm down, the fact of death and its inevitability and completeness is accepted. When you realize that you will never get anything back. And that very last day, when you saw your deceased loved one still alive, and he, laughing, said “see you tomorrow!”, and there were a lot of plans for tomorrow and you didn’t have time to tell him about many things and important things - this day was really the last for him... And it happens that people leave forever, with a smile, without even saying goodbye, remaining in their memory with fragments of unsaid words, with an absurdly ended conversation.
When the fact of death is accepted, we can calmly think about what this person gave us, who he was in our lives and what is worth remembering about him forever, what moments need to be honored.
Memory, photographs and instructions remain.
Once a close relative of mine, who later died, during his lifetime gave advice, unobtrusive, wise, which I did not always accept and understand. And when he died, I regretted that I did not listen in time. As a sign of his memory, I carry out some of the instructions in life and always carry his bright image inside.
Some of my friends who buried the elderly generation later recalled with sadness the habits of their deceased relatives and kept recipes for cooking in a secret place. Sometimes children were treated based on recommendations from grandmothers, which no one would give today.
Memory is all that remains of a person. A person can live 80 years and all that remains is a bag of things and a couple of photos. A person still remains in his descendants and his works.
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A huge number of people die every day. From illness, from old age, from an incorrect diagnosis and incorrect treatment, during childbirth, from an accident (plane crash, road accident, etc.), due to stupidity and negligence. There are a lot of factors. We listen to radio reports, watch the news and don’t think about how many people were breathing and smiling a minute ago... Until it affects us personally.
The death of a loved one is a terrible grief that many cannot survive for years. In this article we will try to figure out what happens to the living relatives and loved ones who remain on earth, and how to survive the loss of a loved one.
When a person dies, he no longer cares: someone who has been sick for a long time receives relief from physical suffering, an elderly person completes his life’s journey. We are ready to somehow come to terms with this and calm ourselves down. But if a young man or a child dies, who still has time to live, we are not ready to let him go. During this period, we begin to go through the 7 stages of grief. Popular wisdom says: “Grief is too wide to go around, too high to jump over, and too deep to crawl under; You can only go through grief..."
Let's consider all 7 stages. They are familiar to those who have already experienced the death of a relative. And you will have to go through them, one way or another. Perhaps not in the order presented below, perhaps some periods will remain with a person for many years. But this is something the psyche simply cannot cope without.
Stages of grief and sadness after the death of a loved one
Negation
Happens at the very beginning to absolutely everyone. “This can’t be! This is some kind of nonsense! It shouldn’t be like this!” – a person does not believe in this sudden death, does not want to accept it. During this period, either complete numbness and stupor can occur, or, on the contrary, activity. The relative has not yet realized what is happening and is not ready to accept reality. And this reaction is a kind of self-defense. As a rule, this period does not last long.
Resentment and anger
Happens to almost everyone. A feeling of injustice of what is happening. Understanding that we humans are absolutely powerless and cannot go against nature in any way. And you can’t do anything now, because no one can resurrect the dead. And if you can then go to a pet store and adopt a kitten, then stores with grandmothers, friends, and so on simply do not exist. This is absurd.
Guilt
Scary stage. A person begins to engage in soul-searching, analyzing relationships with the deceased. Perhaps somewhere he was rude or wrong, somewhere he could have paid more attention. Or maybe he could have helped but didn’t.
Depression
I would like to note that most often non-believers are subject to this stage. A believer is ready to give everything into the hands of the Creator and come to terms with what happened. After all, Heaven takes a person at the right time. First of all, for this person. A believer will not think about himself and how hard it is for him now here on earth - he will think about the soul of the deceased. So that she would feel good there. And he will do his best to achieve this. A believer is sure that there is life after death, and we will all definitely meet later.
An unbeliever can become depressed, be in constant sadness and sorrow, cry, scratch the walls, scream, withdraw into himself, and even become addicted to alcohol. This is a protracted and long period from which it is difficult to get out, but it is possible. The main thing is to have the support of loved ones nearby.
Awareness and acceptance
No matter how difficult it is to overcome loss, time heals. Not immediately, of course, but the realization comes that a loved one can no longer be returned. Gradually, the rage towards all living things goes away; more often, of course, it comes from powerlessness. Depression also passes. The mourning outfit is removed. And the first attempts to look at the world with eyes without tears appear.
Renaissance
Without mom, dad, husband, child or grandmother, living is difficult, painful, difficult. But probably. And most importantly - it is necessary. After all, the life of a person remaining on earth continues. It will be different, but it will be there. And you need to learn to live. Most often at this stage a person learns to live in a new way, thinks a lot, and is silent more. In other words, he gathers his strength to open up to the world, and not exist by base needs.
New life
This is the last period. When a person has gone through all the stages discussed above, he is ready for a new life. Not everyone can live with constant reminders of the past, so many change jobs, renovate their apartment, remove things that remind them of a deceased relative, and even change their place of residence. This is necessary in order not to fall into despondency and depression again and again.
How to cope with the grief of losing a loved one
Don't be alone
The most important thing is not to withdraw into yourself and try not to alienate others. There is no need to revel in your grief. Don't refuse support. Let those people be near you who will understand when it is worth moving away, and when it is simply necessary to be near you and call you by name, pulling you out of apathy and stupor.
Contact a specialist
If it is impossible to cope with emotions, you feel that depression has dragged on, you see a deceased loved one in the faces of passers-by, you hear his voice and are waiting for a call on your mobile phone, and this state is driving you crazy, contact a specialist. Be it a psychologist or a priest (depending on religion).
Don't hold on to the pain
If you need to cry, cry, if you need to scream, scream. Try to find an outlet for emotions in creativity. Painting, poetry, writing music. All this distracts and helps to cope with the heavy burden on the heart. If you have something to say to your deceased relative, write him a letter. One of the psychological techniques. After writing the letter, you will have the feeling that you have communicated with a loved one. It will become easier.
Speak
Communicate with friends, family and loved ones about the deceased. If they are ready to listen to you, of course. Share your grief with someone. After all, shared grief is already half a grief.
Do not rush
Don't set limits for yourself. Suffering will not go away on the fortieth day. This is impossible. The pain may dull, but it will still remind you of itself. In the event of the loss of a loved one, sadness is a normal phenomenon; do not reproach yourself if suddenly a lump comes to your throat and tears flow by themselves.
Don't seek comfort in bad habits
Neither alcohol nor smoking various mixtures will help. Your health will only deteriorate. Think about your relatives. It's hard for them too. It’s better to help them as best you can. Try to save yourself.
Don't be selfish
One way or another, the person is no longer there. Basically we get depressed because we feel bad here. There are people nearby who specifically need your participation. If you feel that you did not give the deceased attention, love, or warmth, you can always help those in need. You need to realize that you can really help your loved one only with kind remembrance and prayer (applies to believers). Living people need you now.
Don't be afraid to forget
If, after some time, you begin to laugh, remembering your deceased loved one, do not be afraid of it. After all, he lived with you and there were many funny and kind moments. It's good that memories of him make you smile. Gradually accepting the loss and creating a new life without it is not betrayal. You just learned to move on with your life. Healed. This is not only normal, but also correct.
Dead people are always with us; souls do not disappear into thin air. It’s difficult to comprehend this thought, but it can keep you afloat in difficult times. The body is just a temporary shell. It can be hard to realize that you will no longer hear your beloved voice or hug your family’s shoulders, but it is worth overcoming this feeling and helping the soul of the deceased. The body will no longer rise, but the soul is in need. They say that when a deceased person dreams, he asks for prayers. Even if you don’t believe, go to church, place a candle on a square candlestick near the large cross, give a note, bring bread or cereal to the funeral table. You may not believe in all this mysticism, but suddenly. It will make you feel better to understand that even now, when the person is gone, you can help him.
A very large number of people turn to our website with a request to help them survive the death of a loved one. This is probably one of the most terrible events a person has to face. At this round table I propose to discuss this topic. How to cope? How to survive?
There is such a concept in the Christian idea and church vocabulary - humility. What is the ultimate meaning of someone leaving before you? What's the point of being left alone with your own grief? Sometimes this happens if we don’t understand something, haven’t learned something yet, or have to do something else. Our soul needs this experience for further development. In any case, it is worth trying to see in life what you were given such a difficult stage for. Nothing happens meaninglessly, and in such a situation it is better to throw your mental strength into searching for what you have not yet completed, what you have not understood, what you have not had time to do and must definitely fulfill in this world.
If you really loved the person who left, then understand that no matter how painful it is, you can’t think only about yourself in this situation. After all, someone was thinking about him when they made the decision to take him to another world, and there were reasons for that. Certainly weighty. People often ask me: what if I don’t believe in God? Then I will answer differently, although the essence does not change. God, nature, our subconscious are essentially the same thing. Christ said, “The Kingdom of God is within you.” And this is the soul of a person, the deep layer of his subconscious, speaking in the language of psychology. And a person’s departure from this world is not someone else’s decision. This is a decision, first of all, of the person himself - most often unconscious. But taken in harmony with the soul, nature, God - whatever you like, that is, a kind of universal decision from the point of view of metaphysics.
Many researchers of the human psyche and an entire branch of psychology and philosophy - thanatology - say unequivocally that death is never accidental. Not “stupid”, not “ridiculous”, but justified and prepared by a person’s entire life. And a person leaves when, from the point of view of the highest meaning, he is able and ready.
These thoughts can guide you towards accepting grief, because death is something we cannot change. But “accept” does not mean “stop worrying.” These things should go hand in hand.
Experiencing is allowing your emotions to be as they are. And you shouldn’t suppress your tears and screams, no matter how “ugly” it may seem to you and those around you. If someone is scared to be around you in this state, that’s their choice, don’t demand more from them than they can give. But you can definitely allow YOURSELF any manifestations that do not threaten your safety. And if you wish, you can always find someone/those who will understand your experiences and can be with you in a similar state, supporting you. In particular, there is professional help for this.
In addition to acceptance and experience, there is another aspect: often people are haunted by a feeling of guilt, it seems to them that they are somehow responsible, they could “foresee in advance” or “guess and do something.” In fact, this feeling is directly related in a person to distrust of the world and the desire to control everything around. The stronger this desire, the stronger the feeling of guilt. A person, scrolling through endless options in his head “what he could do if”, is essentially struggling with his feeling of helplessness associated with the fact that he could not control this part of the world process - the life of a loved one. He couldn’t and never will be able to in the future, we must also try to accept this. Then the feeling of guilt will begin to recede. Some guilt is to some extent a normal manifestation of grief, if it does not become chronic.
But the more independent and open relationships people had before the death of one of them, the less risk that guilt will become chronic. Therefore, it is important to rethink, the path and against the backdrop of grief, your relationship with the deceased. Were they too dependent? Or free? Were they sincere? If you have made any mistakes in relation to the deceased, try to understand them again and try to forgive yourself. After all, in that situation you could not have done otherwise. And such mistakes could not be the main cause of his death - they should not be interpreted that way.
Unfortunately, such a large topic cannot be covered in one round table. Apparently, everyone needs to look for their own way of accepting, experiencing and trusting the world. The important thing is that after the death of a loved one, we will no longer be the same, but what we will become is something that everyone must decide for themselves. And, I think, at least it won’t be worse for the departed person if, after going through the experience of grief, we become better, find some other answers to questions in our life, meanings, and turn to some new resources in ourselves.
I want to appeal to the family, friends and friends of a person who is experiencing a loss especially deeply and acutely.
Support, but do not pull your loved one out of this difficult experience of grief. The entire period of residence lasts differently for everyone - from two months to two years. The patterns of residence are the same. At first there is a phase of shock: protest, denial, strong anger (“This can’t be!”)
at the next stage of response: despair and powerlessness are replaced by anger, rage and indignation (“Why is this happening to me!?”)
Grief is gradually experienced (everyone has a different pace!) and the third phase begins - detachment, in which letting go, separation from grief, from loss, dissociation occurs... The difficult event gradually remains in the past.
And finally, a return to a new life!!
Just be there, talk, be interested in the state, well-being, if you feel, understand that you cannot cope on your own, that the person close to you cannot cope on his own and you do not have enough strength and knowledge on how to support him - send him, advise him to turn to specialists who work in this area of psychological counseling.
I suggest moving directly to practical help.
What I will now bring to your attention is worth reading to the end, answering the questions posed to yourself, completing tasks and not being distracted. Find a secluded, quiet place, warn others (so as not to disturb or worry about you), turn off your communicators.
One IMPORTANT CONDITION - read this consultation no earlier than 2 months from the date of death of a loved one! These two months belong only to your feelings and only you yourself, with the support of your loved ones, can properly say goodbye to the departed.
If, after the specified period, you continue to feel guilt, the severity of the loss, you keep asking yourself the question “Why did this happen?!”, think about this...
“Memory is a wonderful thing, but you need to remember in such a way that you and the deceased feel good.” All religions say that you need to bury a person’s body and let his soul go.
Often we cannot accept the very fact of burying a loved one. All the events of those days endlessly return, shatter us, and it is impossible to come to terms with what happened.
Leave now all the fuss of the funeral process, the sympathetic participation of others, financial problems and all other everyday tasks... Let's now imagine how you would like to conduct and bury your loved one if everything depended only on you and was possible...
- Think about what burial place you would choose. It could be an ordinary cemetery, an open hill, a cliff above the ocean, a birch grove or a lonely grave in an open meadow... Describe to yourself in detail the surrounding landscape: trees, flowers, time of year, color of clouds, sounds... In what place would he feel calmer?
Where would you come to pay tribute to memory, bring flowers, sit silently or stand with your head bowed and remember the deceased alive...
- Remember how he was doing ordinary things, interacting with you, talking, sitting in his usual place...
- Right now (mentally or out loud) you can say everything you feel towards him and his departure...
- How does he look at you?..
- What does he answer?..
All the living bear a certain responsibility towards the dead.
- Think, What can you do here on earth to make him like it? Tell yourself more about this...
- Tell him that you take responsibility for those affairs that remain on earth...
- And now that you have taken responsibility, what would you like to send him there? Maybe - your love, devotion, gratitude, memory...
Raise your eyes, look into the distance and send this to him.
- Light his way with white, soft, kind light. Pray and shine a light in his wake.
When you shine in his wake, you can understand and feel that the further he moves away, the closer he becomes to you. Like God, there is no one further away, but in fact he is the closest.
Shine on him! You can send your love and devotion to him whenever you want. That's how it is now.
You can send your light there. And as soon as you feel warmth in your chest, you will understand that the light has reached him.
And now you can send your love and light there, and, feeling warmth in your chest, understand that the light has reached it.
Take your time, feel the real warmth as much as you want, time doesn’t matter...
Yes, the death of a loved one is the most terrible event. Someone may disagree with me, but everyone has their own opinion...
A person endures this in his own way, to the best of his ability, mental and physical, depending on the degree of love for the deceased person, on how the person himself relates to the concept of “death,” on what kind of death it was, unexpected or after a long illness, on many factors... About the stages of grief - I will not repeat the words already spoken by my colleagues.
After the death of someone close to us, we feel sorry... myself. I’m overwhelmed with sadness about how I can live without my mom or dad (as an example), who will give advice or a recipe for pies, who to talk to and argue with about the political situation in the country, who will call you “baby”, despite your age “well over 40.” ", who will simply pat you on the back, supporting you in any of your endeavors, and no one will call you early in the morning on your birthday... Once at a meeting of classmates, one already adult woman, talking about what happened over those many years, that we had not seen each other, she said: “And I’m an orphan!” This was not clear to me, but when I lost my mother, and a year later my father, I understood what this meant at the level of my feelings and sensations. It is not easy. But life goes on! That's what my dad said.
It is important to accept the death of a person. This is his destiny. She gave the person as much as he was supposed to. And it’s not for us to judge, lament, get angry - everyone has their own life and their own death. We are not omnipotent to change the course of life. No one has ever stayed in this world forever. Life and death are inseparable.
It’s not worth blaming yourself for something you once said rudely to a loved one, or didn’t call again, wasn’t there at the time of death, hid a “coup” in math and your mother got upset. This will not help, will not make the fate of the deceased easier! Often, unconsciously (the collective conscience works), a person strives to die instead of a loved one, goes into illness, trying to leave this person as quickly as possible. It won't help the person who died. Our love for them, parents, family and friends, friends and children may not manifest itself in such a sacrificial form - it is important to simply remember them, commemorate them, do something that would please them (we didn’t have time to go to Karelia or India, for example, so go there!), talk about the dead, give their image place in your heart! Vysotsky sang about “... The Hindus invented a good religion, that we, having given up our ends, do not die for good.” Yes, we believe it or not, but it is possible that this is so. For example, when I work with a client about the death of a relative, I say that this person becomes their guardian angel! And everyone agrees!
If a newborn child has died, or an abortion has been performed, or a miscarriage has occurred, this is also death and it is important to grieve and accept it. By pretending that nothing special happened, by closing our hearts, by standing still, we will not bring any benefit to those who will be born later. It is important to give this little man a place in the family system.
There is no need to judge a person who, for example, at a funeral, or in the first moments, days, months after a tragedy, does not shed a drop of tears - this is such a reaction, not everyone can cry. Someone wants someone to be close in these sorrowful days, someone, on the contrary, needs to be alone... Someone cannot touch a cold body or kiss when saying goodbye - accept this without judgment. Everyone grieves and worries - in their own way, with their own speed, intensity, as they can, as they allow themselves.
And we, who remain to live, will live as long as we are destined and will do a lot of good in memory of the deceased!
Visiting a psychologist is always useful; people themselves often cannot cope with their grief.
Only in the rarest cases is a person prepared in advance for the death of a loved one. Much more often, grief overtakes us unexpectedly. What to do? How to react? The story is told by Mikhail Khasminsky, head of the Orthodox Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya (Moscow).
What do we go through when experiencing grief?
When a loved one dies, we feel that the connection with him is broken - and this gives us extreme pain. It’s not the head that hurts, it’s not the arm that hurts, it’s not the liver that hurts, it’s the soul that hurts. And it is impossible to do anything to make this pain stop once and for all.
Often a grieving person comes to me for a consultation and says: “Two weeks have already passed, but I just can’t come to my senses.” But is it possible to come to your senses in two weeks? After all, after a major operation we don’t say: “Doctor, I’ve been lying there for ten minutes, and nothing has healed yet.” We understand: three days will pass, the doctor will take a look, then remove the stitches, the wound will begin to heal; But complications may arise, and some stages will have to be completed again. All this may take several months. And here we are not talking about physical trauma - but about mental trauma; in order to heal it, it usually takes about a year or two. And in this process there are several successive stages, which are impossible to jump over.
What are these stages? The first is shock and denial, then anger and resentment, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance (although it is important to understand that any designation of stages is conditional, and that these stages do not have clear boundaries). Some go through them harmoniously and without delay. Most often, these are people of strong faith who have clear answers to the questions of what death is and what will happen after it. Faith helps you go through these stages correctly, experience them one after another - and ultimately enter the stage of acceptance.
But when there is no faith, the death of a loved one can become an unhealed wound. For example, a person can deny a loss for six months, saying: “No, I don’t believe it, this couldn’t happen.” Or “get stuck” in anger, which can be directed at doctors who “didn’t save”, at relatives, at God. Anger can also be directed at oneself and produce a feeling of guilt: I didn’t love him, I didn’t say enough, I didn’t stop him in time - I’m a scoundrel, I’m guilty of his death. Many people suffer from this feeling for a long time.
However, as a rule, a few questions are enough for a person to deal with his feelings of guilt. “Did you really want this man to die?” - “No, I didn’t want to.” - “What then are you guilty of?” - “I sent him to the store, and if he had not gone there, he would not have been hit by a car.” - “Okay, but if an angel appeared to you and said: if you send him to the store, this person will die, how would you behave then?” - “Of course, I wouldn’t send him anywhere then.” - “What is your fault? Is it that you didn't know the future? Is it that an angel did not appear to you? But what does this have to do with you?
For some people, a strong feeling of guilt may arise simply because the passage of the mentioned stages is delayed for them. Friends and colleagues do not understand why he has been gloomy and taciturn for so long. This makes him feel uncomfortable, but he can’t help himself.
For some, on the contrary, these stages can literally “fly by”, but after a while the trauma that they have not lived through emerges, and then, perhaps, even experiencing the death of a pet will be difficult for such a person.
No grief is complete without pain. But it’s one thing when you believe in God, and quite another when you don’t believe in anything: here one trauma can be superimposed on another - and so on ad infinitum.
Therefore, my advice to people who prefer to live for today and put off the main life issues for tomorrow: do not wait for them to fall on you out of the blue. Deal with them (and yourself) here and now, look for God - this search will help you at the time of parting with a loved one.
And one more thing: if you feel that you cannot cope with the loss on your own, if there has been no dynamics in experiencing grief for a year and a half or two, if there is a feeling of guilt, or chronic depression, or aggression, be sure to consult a specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist.
Not thinking about death is the path to neurosis
Recently I analyzed how many paintings by famous artists are devoted to the theme of death. Previously, artists took on the depiction of grief and sorrow precisely because death was inscribed in the cultural context. There is no place for death in modern culture. They don’t talk about it because “it’s traumatic.” In reality, it is just the opposite that is traumatic: the absence of this topic in our field of vision.
If in a conversation a person mentions that someone has died, then they answer him: “Oh, sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about it.” Or maybe it’s just the opposite that you want! I want to remember the deceased, I want sympathy! But at this moment they distance themselves from him, try to change the subject, fearing to upset him or offend him. A young woman’s husband died, and her relatives say: “Well, don’t worry, you’re beautiful, you’ll get married.” Or they run away like from the plague. Why? Because they themselves are afraid to think about death. Because they don't know what to say. Because there are no condolences skills.
This is the main problem: modern man is afraid to think and talk about death. He does not have this experience, it was not passed on to him by his parents, and even more so by their parents and grandmothers, who lived during the years of state atheism. That’s why today many people cannot cope with the experience of loss on their own and need professional help. For example, it happens that a person sits right on his mother’s grave or even spends the night there. What causes this frustration? From not understanding what happened and what to do next. And on top of this all sorts of superstitions are layered, and acute, sometimes suicidal problems arise. In addition, there are often children around who are experiencing grief, and adults with their inappropriate behavior can cause them irreparable mental trauma.
But condolences are a “shared illness.” Why bother with someone else’s pain if your goal is to make you feel good here and now? Why think about your own death? Isn’t it better to drive away these thoughts with worries, buy yourself something, eat deliciously, drink well? The fear of what will happen after death and the reluctance to think about it turns on a very childish defensive reaction in us: everyone will die, but I won’t.
Meanwhile, birth, life, and death are links in one chain. And it’s stupid to ignore it. If only because this is a direct path to neurosis. After all, when we are faced with the death of a loved one, we cannot cope with this loss. Only by changing your attitude towards life can you correct a lot inside. Then it will be much easier to survive the grief.
Erase superstitions from your mind
I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”
The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.
I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.
Not all people in the temple are experts on matters of life and death
For many, the loss of a loved one becomes the first step on the path to God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: to the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock, you must be aware of why exactly and to whom (or Whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But for a person who comes to the temple for the first time, who perhaps does not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a guide there who will help him understand many of the issues that haunt him.
This guide, of course, should be a priest. But he doesn’t always have time; he often has his whole day scheduled literally minute by minute: services, travel and much more. And some priests entrust communication with newcomers to volunteers, catechists, and psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performed even by candle makers. But we must understand that in church you can bump into all kinds of people.
It’s as if a person came to the clinic, and the cloakroom attendant said to him: “What’s wrong with you?” - “Yes, back.” - “Well, let me tell you how to treat yourself. And I’ll give you literature to read.”
It's the same in the temple. And it is very sad when a person who is already wounded by the loss of his loved one receives additional trauma there. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a person in grief - he is not a psychologist. And not every psychologist can cope with this task; they, like doctors, have a specialization. For example, under no circumstances will I undertake to give advice in the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol addicts.
What can we say about those who give out incomprehensible advice and breed superstitions! Often these are people close to the church who do not go to church, but come in: light candles, write notes, bless Easter cakes - and everyone they know turns to them as experts who know everything about life and death.
But you need to speak a special language with people experiencing grief. Communication with grieving, traumatized people must be learned, and this matter must be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, this should be a whole serious area in the Church, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social ministry.
What you should never do is draw any cause-and-effect relationships. No: “God took the child because of your sins”! How do you know what only God knows? With such words a grieving person can be very, very traumatized.
And under no circumstances should you extrapolate your personal experience of death to other people; this is also a big mistake.
So, if you are faced with a severe shock and come to the temple, be very careful in choosing the people to whom you turn with difficult questions. And you shouldn’t think that everyone in the church owes you something - people often come to me for consultations, offended by the lack of attention to them in the church, but who have forgotten that they are not the center of the universe and those around them are not obliged to fulfill all their desires.
But church employees and parishioners, if they are asked for help, should not pretend to be an expert. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take his hand, pour him some hot tea and just listen to him. What he needs from you is not words, but complicity, empathy, condolences - something that will help him cope with his tragedy step by step.
If a mentor dies...
People often get lost when they lose a person who was a teacher or mentor in their life. For some it is a mother or grandmother, for others it is a completely outsider, without whose wise advice and active help it is difficult to imagine their life.
When such a person dies, many find themselves at a dead end: how to live on? At the stage of shock, such a question is quite natural. But if his decision drags on for several years, it seems to me simply selfish: “I needed this person, he helped me, now he has died, and I don’t know how to live.”
Or maybe now you need to help this person? Maybe now your soul should work in prayer for the deceased, and your life should become embodied gratitude for his upbringing and wise advice?
If an adult has lost an important person who gave him his warmth, his participation, then it is worth remembering this and understanding that now you, like a charged battery, can distribute this warmth to others. After all, the more you give away, the more creation you bring into this world, the greater the merit of that deceased person.
If they shared wisdom and warmth with you, why cry that now there is no one else to do it? Start sharing yourself - and you will receive this warmth from other people. And don’t constantly think about yourself, because selfishness is the biggest enemy of the grief-stricken person.
If the deceased was an atheist
In fact, everyone believes in something. And if you believe in eternal life, then you understand that the person who declared himself an atheist is now, after death, the same as you. Unfortunately, he realized this too late, and your task now is to help him with your prayer.
If you were close to him, then to some extent you are a continuation of this person. And now a lot depends on you.
Children and grief
This is a separate, very large and important topic; my article “Age-related characteristics of the experience of grief” is devoted to it. Until the age of three, a child does not understand what death is at all. And only at the age of ten the perception of death begins to form, like that of an adult. This must be taken into account. By the way, Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh spoke a lot about this (personally, I believe that he was a great crisis psychologist and counselor).
Many parents are concerned about the question: should children attend a funeral? You look at Konstantin Makovsky’s painting “The Funeral of a Child” and think: how many children! Lord, why are they standing there, why are they looking at this? Why shouldn’t they stand there if adults explained to them that there is no need to be afraid of death, that it is part of life? Previously, children were not shouted: “Oh, go away, don’t look!” After all, the child feels: if he is removed like this, it means something terrible is happening. And then even the death of a pet turtle can turn into a mental illness for him.
And in those days there was nowhere to hide children: if someone died in the village, everyone went to say goodbye to him. This is natural when children attend a funeral service, mourn, learn to react to death, learn to do something constructive for the sake of the deceased: they pray, help at the wake. And parents often themselves traumatize the child by trying to shelter him from negative emotions. Some begin to deceive: “Dad went on a business trip,” and over time the child begins to take offense - first at dad for not returning, and then at mom, because he feels that she is not telling her something. And when the truth is revealed later... I have seen families where the child simply cannot communicate with his mother because of such deception.
One story struck me: a girl’s father died, and her teacher - a good teacher, an Orthodox person - told the children not to come near her, because she was already feeling bad. But this means traumatizing the child again! It’s scary when even people with pedagogical education, people of faith, do not understand child psychology.
Children are no worse than adults, their inner world is no less deep. Of course, in conversations with them, one must take into account the age-related aspects of the perception of death, but there is no need to hide them from sorrows, from difficulties, from trials. They need to be prepared for life. Otherwise, they will become adults and never learn to cope with losses.
What does it mean to “experience grief”
To fully experience grief means turning black grief into a bright memory. After the operation, a suture remains. But if it is done well and carefully, it no longer hurts, does not interfere, does not pull. So it is here: the scar will remain, we will never be able to forget about the loss - but we will no longer experience it with pain, but with a feeling of gratitude to God and to the deceased person for being in our lives, and with the hope of meeting in the life of the next century.
